How do I deal with my friends finding out I self harm? I don't want my parents to know but I know I should ask for help.
Self-harm is a tricky subject and I'm glad you've been able to come forward about it. I understand it's a coping mechanism but what's important is your last statement: That you know you need help. Acknowledging this is often so tricky and i am genuinely so pleased you've been able to do this.
Now regarding your friends, are they close? If you are super good friends with them, chances are they just want to know what's going on so that they can support you to the best of their abilities. You only have to tell them as much as you feel comfortable doing so, but maybe just let them know how they could support you in times of crisis etc etc.
In regards to your parents finding out, why don't you want them to know? Are you sure they won't support you? If the answer is 100% yes and you're over 16, in the UK, why not speak to your friends who could maybe take you to a teacher and get help that way? Or head to your GP and explain everything that's going on. Your parents don't need to be made aware if it's through your doctor! You have a right to confidentiality but you also have a right to get help, because you deserve it.
Good luck and look after yourself. You are worth so much more than the ways you hurt yourself x
I'm sorry your parents are unsupportive in any regards. It sucks when you can't find comfort/support at home. Since you haven't really specified your question I'm not quite sure which part of non-supportive family you'd like advice on. However, coming from a background myself where parents didn't want to help me out with anything I'll drop a few tips below.
A lot of the time your parents or a parent still loves you. They just dont know how to show it. Similarly, dont value your worth on how much you parents seem to value you.
When you dont get support at home, you often need to turn elsewhere
Academically, speak to your teachers. If you're comfortable explain your situation and they will often provide extra support (Lunchtime, Emails, Extra work etc etc). Also speak to your Guidance/Pastoral teacher if you are comfortable as they can often make deadline exceptions etc if you are really struggling.
If your parents are getting in the way of you going to things like college or university the key is to speak to as many resources as possible. Often there will be bursaries and scholarships available you should look at. You can also get general funding depending on your course/country. At the end of the day though, if its finance thats the problem, you just have to get a job. I know it sucks at a younger age when all your friends go out and you have to work to support yourself but it's worth it in the long run and its the reality.
If its emotionally, rely on your friends. Explain your situation and let them be there for you. Make friends in loads of areas so you have a lot of people to just chat to when you feel isolated. Join clubs, societies, volunteering etc etc.
If its with your sexuality, this is a hard one. You are valuable and you are allowed to feel however you do. Sometimes your parents may change their minds and come round to your way of thinking. Other times they wont but that doesn't decrease your worth, Its difficult to accept that your parents don't accept a part of you but again, focus on your friends, teachers, tutors, work colleagues, youth workers and you will learn to live with it.
Same with mental health. You have to just be more independent and do things on your own. Go to the GP. Get the help. Don't let your parents get in the way.
Overall, just learn to have confidence in yourself and love yourself. Build strong relationships with those around you and you never know, one day your parents may change!
Sorry this is super long but you didn't specify!!!
My friend is extremely homophobic... but towards himself. He doesn't have an issue with anyone else being gay, he openly supports it, but he can't tolerate himself. What do I do?
I'm sorry to hear your friend is struggling to accept his sexuality. Sometimes the process of figuring out your sexuality can be difficult, and for many it may take a while for them to accept themselves. Although everyone should feel confident and happy with their sexuality, sometimes people feel worried they'll be judged or face bad reactions from people around them, so as a result they may associate these negative feelings with their sexuality. I think the best thing may be that you talk to him in a place he feels safe. Ask him about how he's feeling, if there's any reason why he's struggling with coming to terms with his sexuality, and perhaps suggesting ways he may be able to help himself. For example, he may find it beneficial to talk to a counsellor or a support group about his feelings. Make sure you're being supportive, and if he's uncomfortable talking about anything then try not to push him on it, as it may be hard for him to talk about certain things. You sound like a very supportive friend, I hope you and your friend manage to have a good chat and figure some things out.
What do you do when you're on the verge of being homeless legally, due to wanting counseling to help ptsd and other mental disadvantages?
Hi Adrian! I know I’m a little late in responding but I spoke to one of my friends who ended up homeless when she dropped out of University. Although it is obviously for different reasons, I thought you might like to know what other options are available. You can ask the council for help and they must assess your situation within 28 days and you might find you’ll qualify for emergency home accommodation.
Depending on your age, they may be able to place you in a home/hostel/temporary family for a temporary time whilst you find other options.
At 16/17 it is normally social services who deal with it.
Otherwise, charities are your best option. Try local shelter charities etc and all shelter.com have good advice.
Best of luck and stay safe.
How do you get rid of spots?
Spots are a tricky one! It’s natural to get some acne as you pass through the teen years and everyone’s skin is different so it’s about trial and error until you find what works best for you. I used to use products like Micellar Cleansing Water, Cetaphil wash & scrub. Exfoliate once a week (but make sure you keep an eye to find out if this helps/hinders as it can make sensitive skin worse!). Products with tea-tree in them are often very beneficial to at least calm the redness, if not remove the spots. Proactive+ can be good!
If you’ve got sensitive skin, Simple do a wonderful range of skin care products.
Are you super stressed? That can increase acne.
Don’t pick/pop them if you can...that only spreads the infection.
If all else fails, and it’s really knocking your self confidence, visit the doctors. They can often provide creams and antibiotics to help you tackle acne. I was on a cream called Duac & a tablet called Lymecycline but there’s also accutance, the pill, oxcytetracycline, epiduo cream and many more.
Unfortunately as I said, it’s trial and error to find what YOUR skin wants. Good luck and don’t let them get you down if you can - remember everyone gets spots even if it feels like it’s just you
How do I deal with my friends finding out I self harm? I don't want my parents to know but I know I should ask for help.
Hi Bryan. First of all, I’m glad you’ve acknowledged that you do need to tell someone. That’s often the hardest step and I’m actually really pleased you can do that!!
Secondly, I assume you’re asking because your friends have been fairly concerned. This is a good sign and it means they truly care. If you feel able to, maybe pick 1 or 2 friends you’re comfortable with and try to talk to them. Tell them as much or as little as you’re comfortable with for the first time, it’s just good you’ve opened up those lines of conversation.
Now, about your parents. Firstly, ask yourself why you don’t want them to find out. Are you scared of their reaction? Will they hate you? Will they not support you? The truth is, you won’t truly know how they’ll react until you try. It is the scariest thing but in 99% of cases all your parents want to do is support you. Remember also their initial reaction won’t be their reaction forever, it’s a hard situation for everyone involved but they’ll learn to adjust often.
If you know your parents finding out puts you at risk/safety at risk, then talk to another trusted adults. Teachers are wonderful. Your Giidance system is vital in a situation like this as they can help you in school and can also help you access the help you deserve - whether it be in school therapy, out of school counselling or medication. It’s also good to have someone you know you can go to. If you dislike your Guidance staff, pick a favourite teacher and chat to them. They’re always willing to help and they can e more than you’ll expect!! They are also a good bridge between your parents and you, if you do t know how to start the conversation maybe.
If you feel you can’t do any of these things, go to your GP. If you’re in the UK & over 16 they can’t share your info with anyone else.
Or try online services: YoungMinds, SelfHarn.co.uk, Samaritans, Childline etc etc.
Also remember next time you want to hurt yourself, you don’t deserve it no matter what you believe. There’s other alternatives (check out the articles on our website for 50+ alternatives to self harm).
Take care! - Rebecca x
Prelims are coming up and I’m scared I’m going to fail. How do you handle stress because I still can’t do it!!! I go to Zuni next year and I need to be able to handle it better.
Hi Antonia! I totally understand how much pressure there is when it comes to tests and exams. I know you want to do well, but no number, letter or any grade can define your worth. At the end of the day; everything will be okay.
When dealing with revision I like to prioritise my work. Maybe try making a revision timetable and plan when you are going to study. Remember to leave time for breaks. Put the subject you struggle with most or the subject you want to do the best in first. Within the subject, study the topics you don't understand first rather than going over what you already know.
Make sure you have a tidy place to work, clear out a desk or even if your just sitting on your bed, don't have papers everywhere. Make sure you are comfy and relaxed and have some snacks on hand so you don't have to get up. It's important to have a drink too because this will help you feel better. I like to have a glass of water or tea (herbal tea if it's in the evening as you need to sleep). You could also light a candle to help you relax.
Turn off distractions, don't have the tv on and turn your phone, laptop, or iPad off unless you are using them to study. Electronic devices can be good but you should turn social media and game notifications off. There are lots of apps and learning games you can play that might help you, and quizzes and even practise papers online you can use. I like quizlet and duolingo if you are learning languages.
On the topic of the internet and electronics, I find YouTube a good learning resource. Sometimes it's easier to see and hear someone explain something rather than reading it out of a text book. My favourite study channel is Eve Bennet, but depending on what exams you are doing you may or may not find her helpful.
Making fancy notes and using flash cards is a good way to remember things. Try writing in different coloured pens and even different coloured paper. It has been proven that different colours help people to remember more easily!
Having a friend to help you study has also been helpful for me. Make sure it's a friend who you know will help you focus rather than become a distraction. You can test eachother and share study methods. It will also make you feel less stressed and know that your not alone with the stress of revising.
When you get to uni, try revise as early as you can so you don't have as much to do last minute and try to keep on top of your work. Just try your hardest and take good notes in class.
If you start to feel overwhelmed, treat yourself. Take a bubble bath, watch an episode of your favourite tv show. Have some time to do something you want to do. And remember not to let exams take over your entire life. I comepletly understand how you feel as I have broke down crying over exam stress before, so please know that you are not alone. If you haven't already, try reading some articles on TWE as we have many articles about this. Also, my last tip is to get a good nights sleep the night before! Don't stay up all night revising. I hope some of this helps you, and good luck. At the end of the day, exams aren't the end of the world. -Ella
Hi there, I am lesbian and I have a crush on another lesbian A REALLY BIG CRUSH... so anyway erm she got a girlfriend the day I was going to ask her out and she only said yes to the other girl because she didn't want to ruin their friendship but that also means they won't break up because they'd hurt each others feelings. I know this sound mean and jealous and salty but what should I do? Thank you I hope you can understand, sorry
I totally understand! I think the best thing you can do is tell her how you feel. If she feels the same way she may understand that what she’s doing to her friend is wrong. I hope everything works out xx -Joey
I am seriously worried about my grand daughter aged 13. Her parents are divorced. Her mum moved to Spain and she didnt want to go. She lived with me and was happy with friends going out and sleepovers. In April her dad said i was too old to look after her and she lived with him for 4 month. He verbally abused her, she lived 2 jra away and had to change schools. She was devastated and since yhen her life has fallen apart in her eyes. Her mum said to her if not working with dad then you have to come live with me in Spain. Her mums work means she comes home 3 or 4 in the morning and sleeps best part of of the day. She is about to start a spanish state school.
She now has social anxiety will noy talk ti others and on friday her ild school contacted me that she has been contacting an old school fiend from when she was living with me and was going on suicide snap chats. I am terrified she will harm herself. She sits at home all day with no friends and scared of the day she has to go to school. Even begging me not to bring her birth certicate to her mum which she needs to start school. She has also tild me she is not sure of her sexuality. She talks ti me but not her mum. Her mum's friend asked her if she was enjoying living in spain. She said no. Her mam gave her the bad eye then Shouted at her for telling the truth. Her mum wants it to work but i know my grand daughter unless with me in uk. How can i help jer
Hi Julie, I am so sorry that you and your grand daughter are going through this. I think that you all need to sit down and talk about this (you and her parents and your grand daughter). If not possible in person then through Skype or even over the phone. You need to tell her parents that they need to take her opinion into consideration. Maybe you could introduce your grand daughter to our website, I'm sure some of our articles could help her and we would be happy to talk to her if she needs it. I really hope you manage to sort this, and if you need any more help please let us know. -Ella
Well I'm lesbian and I just got a girlfriend and she is so much prettier than me and more popular we both love each other and I know it isn't all about looks but I genuinely AM ugly and she is gorgeous. I have good skin with no spots or freckles, nice eyes but really horrible eyebrows and the thinnest lips ever but I'm allergic to EVERY type of makeup I've tried and I just want to look at least decent I know this sound kind of pointless but me and my girlfriend both self harm people know that she does but no one know about me and I have severe anxiety especially over my looks please help if you can what do I do if I'm way too ugly compared to her - Harriet
Hi Harriet! It is normal to feel like this especially in a relationship with someone, it is easy to think that you're not good enough for them. You need to remember that there is a reason she is your girlfriend, and she might even feel similar to this about you! Try talking to her about this, and you can both help each other. You don't need makeup to look nice, you may have heard this many times before but it is true. You could talk to a doctor about your allergies and they may be able to recommend some makeup that you can wear and is safe for your skin. Good luck and if you need any more help please ask! -Ella
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