Dropping Out of University
Choosing whether or not to go to university is a massive step in life, no matter whether it’s a decision you make as a teenager or later in life. For some people, university simply isn’t for them, and it takes them actually going there to realise that. On average, 1 in 10 university undergraduates will withdraw from their studies before the second year of their degree, and it is certainly nothing to be ashamed of. I dropped out of my university as my New Year’s present to myself, and I do not regret my decision one bit. Don’t get me wrong, I did really try to stick it out. I realised as soon as I pressed ‘accept offer’ on my UCAS profile (the UK’s method of applying for universities) that I had made the wrong decision, but I did commit to my studies and work really hard for the first semester. I studied BSc Psychology, and I averaged 62% across all of my assessments. For someone with poor mental health who didn’t want to study psychology in the first place, this outcome wasn’t too bad. I left university for a multitude of reasons; the course wasn’t focused on a subject I would want to pursue a career in, I didn’t like the area, I had to commute to the campus (2 hours in total on public transport per day, which was exhausting), my mental health was declining massively and I didn’t enjoy the lectures one bit. If you are considering leaving university and have already attempted to continue with your studies in the hope that it will get better, or if you have already left university, please consider the following points. You don’t have to jump into something else: if going into another form of education, such as a BTEC course or an apprenticeship, is something you would want to do in the future, please don’t feel as though you have to make a decision straight away. Allow yourself some time off, to break out of the habit of being a student and spend some time looking after yourself, figuring out what you might want from a future career and nurturing your hobbies and interests. The same goes for jobs: unless you absolutely must get a job to remain financially stable, please don’t feel as though you must be on the go all the time. Don’t worry about the debt: in the UK, student debt is not a loan that must be paid back in full, it should instead be considered like a tax. Once you start earning over £21,000 per year, you begin to pay back this loan in tiny monthly installments in relation to your income. This debt is not a debt that could get you into any major financial trouble; instead, it is simply an amount that the government would like you to pay off whenever you are able to do so. It is nothing to be worried about, and it is something that will not affect your daily life in any way. And, most importantly, You are not a failure: being a ‘drop-out’ after previously being a straight-A student is a tough thing to deal with, but it does not make you unintelligent or weak to leave higher education if it is not for you. If it does not make you happy, and you can’t see it being beneficial to you in any way, you have every right to leave that situation. Speak to your friends about it; like in any other situation, if they are true friends, they will completely support your decision without judgement. My friends have been my rock throughout the past few months, and they were thrilled when I told them I had dropped out (as were my parents) because they could see how unhappy university was making me. If anything, dropping out because university is simply not for you is a massive display of strength, demonstrating that whilst you still had the resilience to try and persevere through something that was making you unhappy, you eventually accepted when you had fought enough and realised that it was time to walk away. If you have any questions, concerns or points about this article that you’d like to raise, please don’t hesitate to contact a member of the TWE team or leave a comment below. Thank you for reading! Lauren xxx
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Acts of Kindness at Easter
Easter is quickly approaching, and for those who celebrate Easter, it can be a really fun time. In my town, my local farm hosts an Easter egg hunt for the young children, and I know of several churches in my area hosting fêtes, raffles and small parties for adults and children alike. I personally am not religious, but being born on Easter Sunday, I feel a strong connection to the holiday and I like to spread a bit of cheer over the Easter weekend. Here’s a few things you can do for your friends, family or community at Easter time that cost next to nothing and will really brighten up somebody’s day. Send cards to your local church: One thing that I am planning to do is send a small card to all of the churches in my town, wishing them a happy Easter. Easter cards can be bought very cheaply, or even made if you want to put in that extra bit of effort. I promise you, it will make them all very happy. Even if Easter doesn’t mean a lot to you, someone acknowledging that Easter is a special time for Christians will really make their day. Bake cakes for your friends or family: Something I used to do with my Nan is make simple cupcakes, cover them with yellow icing and sprinkle flaked chocolate around the edges of the cake so they’d look like chick nests. This is a cute, simple way to mark the occasion If you’re not particularly religious, and they give your friends and family an excuse to eat cake! Organise an Easter egg hunt: If you are somebody that has younger siblings, or works with a group of young children, Easter egg hunts are always an adorable idea to get the children active and engaged with the holidays, but also encouraging teamwork. And, of course, sharing out all the chocolate afterwards is never a bad thing! Donate: Easter is all about being charitable, and giving back to the community, so this is a better time than any to donate something to charity. If you can’t donate money, having a spring clean would also give you the opportunity to find old clothes, books and other items you no longer need and drop them to your local charity shop. An extra cute idea is donating Easter eggs to a local primary school’s raffle or spring fête, or buying a few food items (Easter-related or not) to your local food bank. This is also your opportunity to take a much-needed break from whatever is going on in your life, whether it’s work, school or other commitments. Don’t feel guilty for eating a few chocolate eggs, they really won’t hurt you at all. Thank you for reading, and have a lovely Easter! Lauren x Phases of Sexuality
As people grow and gain more knowledge of themselves and the world around them, it is perfectly normal to begin to question aspects of yourself you may have considered constants, such as your gender identity or sexuality. I’m going to focus on the latter for this particular discussion. One of the most common pieces of casual homophobia I have seen and experienced is others assuming that a person’s sexuality is just a ‘phase’, and something that will be grown out of and ‘corrected’ with time. Often, this is not the case, and the identity a person decide fits them doesn’t change much (or at all) as they grow as a person. However, sometimes this does change, and that is okay. You are allowed to grow and discover who you are at whatever pace suits you, and it’s absolutely okay if you didn’t know your identity as a young child. Personally, I always had a feeling I wasn’t entirely straight, but I have several friends who only realized once they hit adolescence that they might not be heterosexual or cisgender. You might also feel like a label (different to the one you previously identified with) suits you better, and that’s also absolutely fine. I personally am bisexual, but it’s a little more complicated than this, so I simply like to identify myself as ‘queer’, as there’s no specifics in that and it does fit my orientation. I know people that use very specific labels and intensely dislike being referred to as anything other than those labels, and I also know people that don’t like to use labels at all, even if one particular identity fits them perfectly. However, there have been some cases of people realising that the identity of belonging to the LGBTQ+ community no longer fits them, and that being LGBTQ+ was not a long-lasting identity. That is also absolutely fine. What is not okay is somebody using one person’s experience to justify the ludicrous idea that sexuality is something a person can pick and choose. In an interview in 2011, singer-songwriter Jessie J stated that she had “dated girls and boys”. However, in 2014, she renounced the label ‘bisexual’, saying that, for her, it was “a phase”, but explicitly argued that she was “not saying bisexuality is a phase for everybody.” She came under fire for her use of the word ‘phase’ to describe her period of experimenting with her sexuality, because of its history of being used to disregard the LGBTQ+ community. Despite this, there is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding one sexual or romantic preference is not what you want any more. Ultimately, it’s important to remember that your sexuality or gender identity is yours and yours alone. Frankly, it’s not really anybody else’s business how you identify or how you label yourself. All that matters is that you are comfortable in your own skin, and screw what anybody else thinks. If somebody disagrees with you, that doesn’t matter. It’s not their identity to dictate. If you have any issues, questions or queries regarding your sexuality or gender identity, one of us at TWE will be more than happy to chat with you. Thank you for reading, Lauren x Choosing whether or not to go to university is a massive step in life, no matter whether it’s a decision you make as a teenager or later on . For some people, university simply isn’t for them, and it takes them actually going there to realise that. On average, 1 in 10 university undergraduates will withdraw from their studies before the second year of their degree, and it is certainly nothing to be ashamed of. I dropped out of my university as my New Year’s present to myself, and I do not regret my decision one bit.
Don’t get me wrong, I did really try to stick it out. I realised as soon as I pressed ‘accept offer’ on my UCAS profile (the UK’s method of applying for universities) that I had made the wrong decision, but I did commit to my studies and work really hard for the first semester. I studied BSc Psychology, and I averaged 62% across all of my assessments. For someone with poor mental health who didn’t want to study psychology in the first place, this outcome wasn’t too bad. I left university for a multitude of reasons; the course wasn’t focused on a subject I would want to pursue a career in, I didn’t like the area, I had to commute to the campus (2 hours in total on public transport per day, which was exhausting), my mental health was declining massively and I didn’t enjoy the lectures one bit. If you are considering leaving university and have already attempted to continue with your studies in the hope that it will get better, or if you have already left university, please consider the following points. You don’t have to jump into something else: if going into another form of education, such as a BTEC course or an apprenticeship, is something you would want to do in the future, please don’t feel as though you have to make a decision straight away. Allow yourself some time off, to break out of the habit of being a student and spend some time looking after yourself, figuring out what you might want from a future career and nurturing your hobbies and interests. The same goes for jobs: unless you absolutely must get a job to remain financially stable, please don’t feel as though you must be on the go all the time. In the UK, potential university students are given the option to defer for a year and take a gap year before beginning their chosen course. This is a great way to figure out if university is the correct decision to make, and you have time to relax following A-Levels or college exams. TWE have several articles full of information on gap years, be sure to check those out if you need to! Don’t worry about the debt: in the UK, student debt is not a loan that must be paid back in full, it should instead be considered like a tax. Once you start earning over £21,000 per year, you begin to pay back this loan in tiny monthly installments in relation to your income. This debt is not a debt that could get you into any major financial trouble; instead, it is simply an amount that the government would like you to pay off whenever you are able to do so. It is nothing to be worried about, and it is something that will not affect your daily life in any way. And, most importantly, You are not a failure: being a ‘drop-out’ after previously being a straight-A student is a tough thing to deal with, but it does not make you unintelligent or weak to leave higher education if it is not for you. If it does not make you happy, and you can’t see it being beneficial to you in any way, you have every right to leave that situation. Speak to your friends about it; like in any other situation, if they are true friends, they will completely support your decision without judgement. My friends have been my rock throughout the past few months, and they were thrilled when I told them I had dropped out (as were my parents) because they could see how unhappy university was making me. If anything, dropping out because university is simply not for you is a massive display of strength, demonstrating that whilst you still had the resilience to try and persevere through something that was making you unhappy, you eventually accepted when you had fought enough and realised that it was time to walk away. If you have any questions, concerns or points about this article that you’d like to raise, please don’t hesitate to contact a member of the TWE team or leave a comment below. Thank you for reading! Lauren xxx It can be really difficult sometimes to identify whether or not you are in a toxic relationship. For me, I didn't realise how bad things were until I had broken up with the person. I ignored all the red flags! So many of my friends would try and get me to see how much damage he was doing, but I refused to believe it because I thought it was love. Despite my experience being in a toxic relationship, even friendships can be toxic
It's really important to remember how vital it is you do what's best for you. Looking after yourself should always be your first priority. I kept wanting to make him happy, which is why I never realised I was getting hurt and needed to leave. Here are some tips I had to use to get myself out that toxic situation. 1. Confide in someone Discuss the problem with someone you know and trust. This can be a friend, family member, teacher, anyone. Tell them what's been going on, and try to explain how that has been making you feel. This person will be able to provide you advice tailored to the situation you're in, and it's always nice to know someone is there for you through all this. As well as this, we at TWE are always available to help with situations such as this. Feel free to message us on our social media platforms, or write to us using the anonymous advice section. 2. Talk to the person If you feel comfortable enough to do so, speak to the person you're in the relationship with. Understandably, you may not be comfortable discussing this topic with them. However, it is important to realise that attempting to help them understand how you feel may help the situation change. Even if it doesn't, discussing your feelings gives you an opportunity to take the relationship where ever you want it to go. 3. Identify what could change Look at your relationship, and assess which aspects may seem toxic. For me, this was the control my partner had over me and the lack of trust. I wasn't allowed to go many places without him. At the time I saw this as him caring, but actually it's vital you look at these aspects from another angle and think about how else it could be seen. 4. Make sure you're safe If you are debating getting yourself out this relationship, make sure you are safe when doing so. I had to do it through text at home to ensure I was in a safe place where they couldn't do much to hurt me physically. Yes words can still hurt, but making sure you're safe in these situations is so important. You could go to a friend, be there with someone else or do it via text. 5. Do not feel pressured In toxic relationships it is normal to feel like you have to stay due to how the person treats you. However, this isn't the case. I was so scared to leave and it left me feeling pressured to stay. You can leave. You have that choice, it is simply a case of making sure you feel comfortable and safe to do so. I really hope these tips help you if you are struggling with a toxic relationship. You're very important, and taking care of yourself is vital! Thank you very much for reading. Katie Lou Being mentally ill is often seen in a negative light. You tell someone you’re depressed, and they immediately assume you’re suicidal. You tell someone you’re schizophrenic, and they assume you constantly hear voices in your head. You tell someone that you’re anxious, and they assume you’re constantly a jittery wreck. When, in reality, it’s not like that at all. That’s just the stereotypes that our society has drilled into us from a young age.
Typically, when people think about mental health, the two disorders that come up most commonly are depression and anxiety. It is true that up to 90% of the population suffer from both these disorders at some point in their lives. But I think that they often overshadow the other types of mental illness that people can develop. A list of less known disorders include:
A lot of these mental illnesses aren’t well known by those who don’t suffer with them, purely because there is such a focus on anxiety and depression. But it’s important that we make ourselves aware of these disorders, so that we can recognise the symptoms and sympathise with those who suffer. It isn’t pleasant for them, but they cannot control if they develop a mental illness or not. So, knowing that they have someone they can talk to, and someone who has bothered to educate themselves on whatever condition they have can be of great help to the mentally ill. It shows that you care enough about them to try and understand why they are like they are. When I was eight years old, I bumped into a man who was in the middle of a conversation to himself. My mother quickly ushered me away when he tried to talk to me. She held my hand and quietly whispered “don’t speak to that man, sweetheart. He’s not right in the head.” I didn’t understand what she meant. Later, she explained to me that he was schizophrenic. Again, being eight years old, I had no idea what this meant. “People with schizophrenia talk to themselves,” she said. “When you see one, don’t make eye contact, otherwise they’ll try to rope you into their one-way conversation as well.” From then on, that was the stereotype I held with the term ‘schizophrenic.’ When I was sixteen, I started a Psychology course at college. I made a new friend on the first day and it was what you would class as an ‘ordinary’ friendship. It wasn’t weird or forced. One day, not long into the course, our teacher started talking to us about schizophrenia. My friend turned around to me and said “oh man, I’m gonna be a pro at this topic!” I stared at her, utterly confused. She sensed this, and then added “did I not tell you, I’m a schizophrenic?” I had to prevent my mouth from dropping. Because of the stereotype I had been conditioned to believe all those years ago, I had never imagined meeting a schizophrenic who acted like the average person did. I felt awful that I held such a prejudice view beforehand, and that day really taught me that you should never judge a book by its cover, as clichéd as it sounds. How other people condition you to believe what the symptoms of a mental illness are, isn’t necessarily the truth. This is why it is so important that you educate yourself on the symptoms of mental illnesses so that you can fight the prejudice stereotypes that society tries to make up in order to alienate the mentally ill population. Not everyone represents the stereotypical ‘signs.’ Sometimes, it is completely invisible. We need to stop this alienation. Mentally ill people are still people. Just like you can’t help what happens in your life, they can’t either. They didn’t choose to be this way. It’s just who they are. Having a mental illness is not a weakness. You are incredibly strong for constantly being at war with yourself but still managing to go about your daily life. People may stare. Let them. People may judge. Let them. You are a human, just like they are. And you are valid. Don’t let anybody take that away from you. Tasha I know that you’ve never believed in the ways of the universe, and how fate brings people together, but I do. I believe that life has a funny way of planting the people you need in your life right at the moment you’re in the depths of despair and unsure whether you’ll survive. I needed you much more than I thought; much more than I dare to imagine.
Before I knew you, I had lost the meaning of friendship. I let past experience curl it’s gnarly fingers around my heart and let it turn cold to the touch. Ice wrapped itself around the vessels, disconnecting blood flow from the centre of all human emotion. I had lost my way, and Life seemed to have knocked me down for good this time. The hour I was brought to life was the hour I was on the brink of death. Water was filling my lungs as I squirmed in the confined space between two walls of fiberglass. My eyes had been open, but the more my heart pounded, the more I had the desire to close them. My body lay floating in the lukewarm water, and after the initial shock my life source had upon entering the water, it began to come to a gentle rest, to the point where it was at risk of ceasing to beat altogether. That was the aim, anyway. But, in that moment of despair, a strength that came from within pulled my body out of the water, because it knew that better things were ahead. She might have betrayed my trust, but the universe wasn’t ready to let me go, because you were on the way to me. My life is forever changed now that you’re in it. We have hundreds of inside jokes, thousands of memories, a lifetime of laughter to look back on the older we get. No matter what awaits in both our futures, I can look back on this period of my life and know that I was the best person I could have possibly been. And that is down to you. This is a thank you, I guess. Thank you for all the times you spent listening to me rant about something seemingly small to everyone else, but major to me. Thank you for being there for me, and actually meaning it. Thank you for keeping your phone on loud overnight, and for making me feel as though I could really talk to you at any time. Thank you for not being like her. Thank you for being good, and kind, and loving. Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for the laughs we’ve had about big things, and small things. Thank you for showing me that not every friend is a bad one. Thank you for being straight up with me. Thank you for telling me when I’m being a sensitive idiot, and when I’m not. Thank you for understanding my mental illness. Thank you for understanding me. Thank you for bringing true friendship in my life. Thank you for the random I love yous, and bouts of affection. Thank you for making me feel loved. Thank you for making me a better person. Thank you for seeing things as I do. Thank you for investing so much time and love into our friendship. Thank you for being the good in the world. And thank you for seeing the best in me, and for making me see the best in myself, too. Tasha When you have a friend (or friends) who suffer with a mental illness like depression, it can be hard to know what to do when they are struggling. It all depends on the person - mental illness affects us all differently, and everyone has their own coping mechanisms when it comes to dealing with their illness. All I know, as someone who suffers with both anxiety and depression, is that having someone there (either helping vocally, or just being there) is a hell of a lot better than not having anyone, no matter how many times I’ve tried to push people away.
Having a friend with a mental illness is not easy, and I’m not going to pretend that it is. But, as much as it’s not easy for you, it’s not a walk in the park for them, either. Those who have mental illnesses don’t like to rely on people, because, a lot of the time, people let them down. They promise that they’re going to be there for them, but don’t pick up the phone when they’re having a bad day, or ignore their messages when they’re in need of help. It takes a lot for someone who is mentally ill to even talk to you about it. I know it’s not always easy being their friend. But it wasn’t easy for them to let you in, either. There is no simple way to deal with a friend who is mentally ill. Everyone copes differently, and sometimes they will push you away, or, on the opposite end of the scale, will rely solely on you for comfort. It’s going to be a long haul when they go through recovery, but trust me, when they do finally get better, and it becomes noticeable that they’re getting better, you will look and be thankful that you went on this journey with them. Watching people get better is one of the most beautiful sights that your eyes will see. I have been best friends with a depressed girl for five years. Being mentally ill myself, it hasn’t always been easy, especially when I’m trying to go through recovery too. It can be hard, but sometimes it is good to be selfish. Sometimes you do have to put yourself first. But that doesn’t mean disregarding them altogether. That doesn’t mean suddenly not responding to their messages, nor does it mean disregarding their mental health journey because you’re on your own journey. It simply means taking some time out for yourself some days. If I was having a bad mental health day, and so was she, I’d rest for a while before responding to her messages. Obviously, if it was an emergency, I’d respond straight away to keep her from doing something she might regret. But I would gauge it from the message. I understood that some days, I couldn’t deal with her problems until I’d at least started to figure out my own, and she understood that, too. If you’re dealing with a depressed friend, all you can do is try your best to be there for them, but not to the detriment of your own mental health. Talk through their problems with them, try and understand that they cannot help how they are, just like you cannot help how you are. Gauge what they want from you as a friend - maybe they want advice, or maybe they just want someone to sit there and hold them until they feel better. Ask them what they want from you, so that you can do your utmost to support them. Let them know that you are here for them through whatever they have to go through. Maybe try suggesting that they seek professional help too. This can alleviate some pressure put on you, and gives them at least two people that they can talk to throughout recovery. Hold their hand on the really bad days. Tell them that you love them, regardless. Be there when everyone else has turned their back. They’re still human, and sometimes, just like you do, they need someone to tell them that everything will be okay, even when it doesn’t feel like it will be at all. Be their person. Be the one who shows them that when people say they’ll be there, a few do actually mean it. Tasha A lot of things to do with heartbreak, both on social media and in TV shows and movies, gear towards the good old fashioned relationship. Often, heartbreak is spoken about in relation to a break up between two people, and how hard it can be to get over someone. But, to my disappointment, there is little spoken about how a friend can break your heart too. It is well known universally that friends argue and fall out, and, sometimes, they never recover from that. It can be just as hard losing a friend as it is losing a girlfriend/boyfriend.
Like a relationship break up, there are often stages that you go through when losing a close friend. The first is anger. It doesn’t matter how you guys got into a fight, it doesn’t matter who started it, it doesn’t matter who said what. The likelihood is that you are angry at them, either for the argument itself, or for previous things leading up to the argument. You cannot help it. They’re probably angry at you too. It is natural after an argument has just taken place. Things are still raw. The second stage is usually pretending that you don’t need them. You saunter past them in the school hallway like you don’t have a care in the world. You pretend you don’t need them. People ask about what happened to you two and you shrug and tell them that you ‘just stopped talking.’ At this point, you’re still angry. You want them to miss you, more than you miss them. Stage three usually follows the second stage pretty quickly, and presents itself as a form of grief. It stings when people say ‘didn’t you guys used to be best friends?’ When you hear their name it’s like a dagger has plunged its way through your lungs. You look at their social media profiles and see that they’ve started to move on. It’s no longer you that suanters past them in the corridor, it’s the other way round. You miss them, no matter how much you try to say you’re better off without them. Sometimes you get up all your old messages and read through them, remembering how happy you were a few months ago. You go to type an apology message asking if you can put all this behind you both. You delete it and lock your phone. You carry on pretending like you’re fine. The next stage occurs usually after everything has settled. You’ve got new friends now, but it still stings walking past them having to act like you’re strangers. You still know when their birthday is, what their favourite band is, their like and dislikes. But you’ve managed to push all this information to the back of your mind, to a place where it doesn’t hurt you. You’re starting to think that maybe you are better off as strangers than you were anything else. Maybe you were meant to fall out so that you could find better people. The last stage is acceptance. You are now sure that this is the path you were supposed to take. You have a new best friend now, and it’s different than the friendship with the last one. When you’re with them, it’s like a breath of fresh air. You’d probably never have met them if it wasn’t for the heartbreak you went through losing someone. This doesn’t mean to say you’re 100% over what happened though. Some nights you look through your photos together and tears form, because somewhere, you feel what’s missing. The hole that they left isn’t quite so big now, but it hasn’t closed completely, and can be opened wider by the smallest thing. But you’re recovering. You’ve surrounded yourself with good, kind people. You wish your ex-best friend the best. You still check their profile from time to time, but nowhere near as much as you did in the beginning. You realise that the only way to go is forward, but that doesn’t mean forgetting what happened. It just means that it doesn’t rule you now. And, for the first time in what seems like forever, you feel okay. You are okay. I went through all these stages a few years ago when me and my best friend fell out. We never recovered from the argument we had - we haven’t spoken since then. It didn’t just hurt; it was like a constant burning in my chest. I cried, I screamed, I felt hollow for months on end. And then, I found new people. They took my hand and guided me through the depression that the platonic break up caused. They showed me that there are better people in this world who will make you happier than you’ve ever been. They helped me save myself. If you’re going through a platonic break up, it’s okay. It’s perfectly valid to go through the motions as though you have just broken up with a partner. You don’t have to just ‘get over it’ quickly, nor do you have to forget it once it’s all over and you’ve finished grieving them. You are and have been going through a trauma, and it is only natural to react like you’ve lost someone. A lot of the time, you don’t just lose the person, you lose yourself, too. Just know that you will come back from this. You will get better. I know it really doesn’t seem like it now, but you will. You are more resilient than you give yourself credit for. It can be truly hard losing a friend, but, just like a break up, it will get to a point where you move on. It took me two years to get back on my feet after my fight with my best friend. It takes time. But time truly is the healer of all wounds, and now I can honestly say that I am okay. And, someday, you will be, too. Tasha Being the ‘quiet one’ in life has its perks. It’s not all doom and gloom. For example, you can form opinions about things without voicing and offending people; you can daydream about literally anything you want because nobody will notice - they’ll just think you’re being your usual quiet self; and, lastly, you can gather up everyone’s secrets and use them to your advantage at any point you like. Just kidding. You’re probably way too shy to do that (especially if you’re like me!)
I have been branded ‘The Quiet One’ in my friendship group, and my family, ever since I was born, and began making friends. People (mostly family members that I probably see about twice a year) always say ‘wow you’re so shy!’ or ‘you’re so quiet!’ or, my personal favourite, ‘come and join in our conversation!’ Join in your conversation? You’re moaning about how your husband doesn’t do anything around the house, about what you’re planning for your kids’ birthday party, and how you’re getting on at Slimming World? Do you really expect me to join in with your rant even though there’s nothing relatable attaching me to the conversation? No thanks, Brenda. I’ll pass. You just carry on moaning about the economy and making jokes about how I must have got 30% off when I brought my jeans because of the holes in them. I used to think being The Quiet One was a bad thing. I looked at outgoing and confident people, and thought why can’t I be like that? It frustrated me that I was incapable of striking up casual conversation with someone, that I was severely socially awkward, both online and in person, and that social interaction made me uncomfortable. The truth is, I love people. I love watching their behaviour, I love to hear others talk. What I don’t like is being forced to think up a conversation which I know is going to be awkward form start to finish. It gives me great anxiety, and that’s the reason I used to avoid social interaction with anyone I wasn’t really close with. I know it sounds contradictory - how can I have really close friends if I don’t like social interaction? The truth is, I gained friends because they were patient enough to wait for me to come out of my shell a bit. They would talk to me and guide the conversations so that I could answer as I pleased. I may not like the initial interaction with new people, but once I’m your friend, and I trust you, I can be the loudest person you know. It just takes time for me to strike up the courage to lead a conversation. A few years ago, I read the novel The Perks Of Being a Wallflower. Despite the fact that the narrator of the story is autistic, I did relate to it. One line, that is most probably my favourite out of all of them, is this: “He’s a wallflower. You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.” I thought about this, and I my attention was also focused on the way that the other characters in the novel treated the main narrator. They understood that he was shy and reserved. They accepted that he was a wallflower. They were still his friend, even though he wasn’t outgoing. They accepted him for who he is. That was when I understood. Being The Quiet One doesn’t mean that your friends don’t accept and love you, and it equally doesn’t mean that you can’t make friends, either. It just means you struggle a little bit with the whole friendship process, but that’s okay. If you’re The Quiet One in your family and your friendship group, it is okay. People still accept and appreciate you. You are still a valued member of the group. Everyone has their own qualities to bring to the table in any relationship. And you bring a stable tranquillity through the use of silence and observance. The thing about us quiet people is that we think we aren’t noticed, because of that factor. But, sometimes, we are noticed more because we’re not constantly talking. Everyone seems so hasty to talk about themselves, but it us who stand out because we are the listeners. Sometimes, that is our most intriguing quality. We see things. We keep quiet about them. And we understand. We are the wallflowers. And we are loved in spite of it. Tasha |
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